I Can't Decide
by MykkLaw
Summary: [Based off the song by Scissor Sisters] The Joker captures Batman and has seized the perfect opportunity to finish him off! Only one problem… he can't decide. Rated T for slight blood, torture, and swearing.


_**This song is just too catchy… Please, enjoy! ;)**_

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Bruce Wayne groaned, opened his eyes, and struggled to regain focus. He was in someplace dark—a warehouse possibly— and his limbs were bound to an autopsy table sitting upright. The bonds were extremely thick that even he couldn't break free of them. He fumbled around his suit for something to aid in his escape, but soon realized that he had been stripped of all his artillery. "Dammit," he mumbled.

Without warning, a hand was clamped on his mouth from behind him; however, he remained calm, as he saw it was a black glove with white wrist ruffles. "Harley Quinn," he said, though it sounded like, " _Mmfarney Kimn_."

The blonde giggled, "He's up, Puddin'!"

Delirious laughter reverberated throughout the room; one such laugh that could only come from a certain psychopathic clown. Out of the shadows, he appeared, Cheshire smile smugly in place. "Ah, Batsy, so glad you could join us. Harley, move your hand."

He glowered at Joker. "Where the hell am I?"

"Oh, don't you remember? We were fighting on the rooftops, and I had Harley here knock you out… let's say you were a bit _hammered_." The clown duo burst out laughing. Harley went over to Joker's side, but he merely shouldered her aside.

"Why didn't you kill me, then?"

"Well, y'see, that's the problem… I can't—" he ran a hand through his emerald hair, then motioned towards Harley Quinn. "Hit it, Harls!"

The henchwoman giggled and hit play on a radio. A jovial tune began to play.

"It's not easy having yourself a good time," Joker sang, walking over to Batman. "Greasing up those bets and betters, watching out they don't four-letter."

Harley Quinn followed with The Joker's famous revolver gun in hand. He took it, and slung an arm around both his girlfriend and his archenemy. "Fuck and kiss you both at the same time," he said teasingly, pressing the gun to Batman's head. Batman made a face that was a mixture between disgust and confusion. He whipped out a knife and ran it along Harley's jaw line. She squealed and leaned in to kiss him, but he shoved her off again and sang, "Smells like something I've forgotten. Curled up died and now it's rotten."

"I'm not a gangster tonight. Don't want to be a bad guy," he continued.

"I'm just a loner baby,"—Harley made a face at that—"And now you've gotten in my way!" The Joker made a swift slice into Batman's arms, causing him to thrust his body upwards in pain as he yowled in agony.

"I can't decide," he sang, thrusting his knife back into the open wound, "whether you should live or die." With the knife still impaled in his arm, the Joker twisted it, cutting up flesh and tissue in the process. Batman writhed in agony as tears flowed down his cheeks.

"Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven—please don't hang your head and cry," he wiped at one of his tears with the tip of his blade. "No wonder why," he continued, "my heart feels dead inside."

"It's cold,"—he drove the blade into his other arm—"and hard,"—then into his leg—"and petrified"— with a final lunge into his other leg.

"Lock the doors and close the blinds," he ordered Harley, and then whispered into Batman's ear, "We're going for a ride." The room became pitch black until Harley switched on an overhead light bulb. The autopsy table returned to its original, flat position.

"Damn you, Joker!" the vigilante roared in protest, kicking and screaming. Blood poured out of the four new wounds The Joker had given him. The clown only grinned and laughed in response and continued to sing as the song's instrumental ended.

"It's a bitch convincing people to like you." The Joker slipped on white surgical mask with red markings on its outside to resemble his famous smirk. Harley rolled a cart filled with various medical supplies to him. He grabbed a scalpel and ran it slowly across Bruce's torso from right to left. "If I stop now call me a quitter," he tugged lightly at his victim's mask, "if lies were cats you'd be a litter."

He dug the scalpel deeper—deep enough to draw blood through the suit— from left to right this time. Batman stayed resilient, though he winced slightly. The Joker hummed in satisfaction, removing his mask to grin at his captor.

"Pleasing everyone isn't like you," he sang, lifting the scalpel and tossing it to the side. Harley retrieved it and placed it on the cart. The Joker tossed the mask to her as well, acquiring a bone chisel.

He straddled Batman and placed the chisel to his chest. "Dancing jigs until I'm crippled. Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled." His hand shook with uncertainty. Bitterly he sang, "I've got to hand it to you—you've played by all the same rules. It takes the truth to fool me, and now you've made me angry!" He threw the chisel to the floor.

"I can't decide, whether you should live or die. Oh, you'll probably go to heaven—please don't hang your head and cry," he sang, taking another knife from his pocket. He ran a pale, shaking hand across his heart, and discarded the knife again, growling in frustration.

He laid his body against Batman's rough suit, and placed his ear over his ear over the man's heart. "No wonder why my heart feels dead inside. It's cold and hard and petrified—"

Harley interrupted. "Um, Mistah J…"

Joker ignored her and continued, still lying on Batman, "Lock the doors and close the blinds… we're going for a ride."

Instantly, Joker's head shot up. "Oh, I could throw you in the lake! Or feed you poisoned birthday cake!" He chuckled, "I wont deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone."

"Let me go," Batman gasped.

The clown ignored his plead and snapped his fingers. "Oh, I could bury you alive… But you might crawl out with a knife, and kill me when I'm sleeping." He sighed and slid off of Batman fired his revolver at him. A flag that said _'BANG!'_ came out, and he placed his finger back on the trigger.

"That's why—"

"POLICE! Drop the weapon and put your hands behind your head!

Caught completely off guard, the Joker pressed the trigger and the flag impaled itself inside of his right shoe. "Dammit! Harley, why didn't you tell me?" Ignoring the pain that throbbed in his foot, rage burned in his eyes.

The clown girl was being handcuffed as she replied sullenly, "I did, boss."

"Looks like… you've lost… J-joker…" the Batman whispered hoarsely, smiling grimly. Commissioner Gordon freed Batman and one of his men confiscated Joker's handgun, handcuffing him. Batman leaned against the table he was just recently tied to, and said in a singsong voice, "I can't decide whether _you_ should live or die."

"Oh, I'll probably go to heaven," he replied snidely.

The Joker was dragged out of the building into a police van. "You'll both be spending some more time in Arkham for what you've done tonight," an officer deadpanned.

"Aw, what a party pooper," Harley Quinn whined from a different van.

"No cake for you," Joker added. He watched in irritation as Batman flew off into the shadows.

"Quiet, both of you," the commissioner ordered. "We're going for a ride."

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_**I Can't Decide © Scissor Sisters**_

_**Batman: The Animated Series © Warner Bros. Animation**_

_**All Batman characters © DC Comics**_


End file.
